Comment from Giulietta
Time: April 7, 2008, 3:46 pm

Hi Ginger,

What’s the best way to make a tiny kitchen look like a huge ballroom?

G.

Comment from Ginger
Time: April 8, 2008, 9:19 am

Hi Giulietta:

I’m so glad you asked! It’s really pretty simple. Just break into one of these multimillion dollar mansions and take a snap of their gaudy over the top ballroom. Then have your broker post it online as one of the photos for your own house. Sure, a couple of folks will be disappointed when they step in the open house but remember, it’s all about GETTING THE WARM BODIES IN THE HOUSE, CHECKBOOK IN HAND. My mantra!
Happy selling,
Ginger

Comment from N. from N.H.
Time: April 8, 2008, 11:12 am

Hi Ginger,

We’re just about to put our 1930 four-roomer on the market. One room was the original log cabin on the place! The other three - well, they’re honest Depression-era vernacular architecture. You know - outdoors/board/indoors. The reason I’m contacting you is that we’re having a real problem with our realtor. I don’t believe in ever using the word ‘no’ in an ad. It’s just so negative, ya know what I mean? Well, our realtor wants the listing to read, “2-bedrooms, no bath.” OK, so there’s no bath - but there’s a perfectly fine little path, right to the outhouse door. I know you’re practically a legend in the marketing of outhouse real estate. How would YOU word our listing, Ginger?

Comment from Ginger
Time: April 9, 2008, 9:04 am

Dear N:
I hear ya! Nobody can afford to be negative these days: it’s so 8-years-of-Bush of your realtor to even traipse down that path!

Look: “No” is so small. It’s like “hi, I’m ‘no’.” Poor little ‘no’ in its tiny scruffy “no” box. Well, it’s time to kick ‘no’ out the door! Draw a big red X through it! Cuz guess what: “No problem” is the new “maybe”, “It’s a go!” is the new “you have to be kidding me” and “get ‘r done” is certainly the new “are you insane?” if my name isn’t Ginger Kana-doo!

And you’re right, I AM a legend when it comes to outhouses, and trust me, being a legend in a niche is what it’s all about these days. Or maybe it’s drilling down in a vertical market as a legend in a niche, not sure.

Anyhoo, back to you. I think it’s time to have a little sit-down with your realtor or have her/him brush off the ‘ole marketing plan. Indoor plumbing, first of all, is sooooo last century. Here’s some verbiage he/she can use, free of charge:

“Instead of offering today’s ostentatious flush toilets, this home is a veritable window to all of nature’s bounty. Listen to the call of the Great Horned Owl at night, or the soft coo of morning doves as the sun rises and you answer nature’s call.”

Or, work the ole “who’s greener” contest with this:

“Be the envy of your family and friends as you excuse yourself into the backyard during your lavish dinner party to ‘replenish the earth’. Relish the expressions of surprise and shock on your guests’ faces as you point the way (via a path lit with candles of course - very festive!) as you tell them that they, too, have the opportunity to reduce their carbon footprint and make this world a better place for generations to come.”

Also, it’s crucial to THINK BIG. I just noticed you were writing from New Hampshire, N, so why not take advantage of your state’s fine motto and modify it a bit to something like “Live Free of Indoor Plumbing or Die!” Make a bumper sticker with that and the URL of your listing and SELL THAT HOUSE!

Happy selling,
Ginger

Comment from LW from Lynn
Time: April 14, 2008, 12:59 pm

I LOVE pit bulls!!! When my boyfriend gets out of South Bay, we plan to raise them. I am expecting a huge settlement to come in anyday now (my friggin hairdresser burned my scalp when she was doing extensions and I sued her ass off, hahaha!!!) Anyways, I am going to use the money as a down payment on a condo. Can you show me some condos with a big yard where we can raise our pit bulls? Probably there shouldn’t be any kids in the building or maybe even the neighborhood just in case, you know what I’m saying?

Thanks and Stay strong,

L

Comment from Ginger
Time: April 14, 2008, 5:18 pm

Dear Linda:

Y’know, you sound like MY kinda client! Most people would just say, “Ow, beeyatch, you just burned my head skin right off!” and just storm off and bash in their car or something, but you’re obviously bigger than that. Where others might have felt pain YOU SAW OPPORTUNITY! You went for the cash! You go grrrl!!
Anyhoo: pit bulls: word on the street is they do eat babies but no law says you can’t move the gang in after you buy and just act dumb when the cops show up. Your pit bull had little pit bulls, I mean, what were you supposed to do about it?
Call me anytime, I’ll set you right up.
Talk soon,
Ginger

Comment from Kay LeDeux
Time: April 28, 2008, 3:20 pm

Heya Ginger,
So, what if I don’t really want to buy a home, maybe I just want to look inside homes without people thinking I’m a crazy Peeping Tom or something. You know, to get decorating ideas. Thoughts?
KLD

Comment from Ginger
Time: April 28, 2008, 5:55 pm

Bonjour Mademoiselle Kay LeDeux:

Hmmm…decorating ideas…I think it’s called HGTV! That or you can stalk open houses or rent a stealth skyhawk or whatever they’re called and hover under cover of your invisible shield peering into giant master bedrooms over by that hoity new subdivision on the hill.

Actually it reminds me of the time I set up a house tour in Vanderskleet-on-Lake but totally forgot to get permission to get in the homes — people were SO surprised when the Kanadoodler bus pulled up and hundreds of people charged through their doors — they kinda wouldn’t take no for an answer!

Anyway between the legal fees and the few new buyers we nabbed that day it was kind of wash but it sure went down in Kanadoo history. Good times!

Happy breakin’ ‘n enterin’!
Ginger

Comment from Minerva G. from Manchester-by-the-Sea
Time: April 29, 2008, 6:57 pm

Dear Ginger,

You’ve got to help us! Over 150 cats face extermination! The Methuen MSPCA Cat Shelter, where I volunteer every Sunday afternoon with my sister Clementine (please, no comments. We are aware of the vulgar American folk song) is swamped with more little darling pussies than they can accommodate. I’d take them all in but I have a very territorial miniature schnauser who rules the roost and would put up too much of a fuss if a feline were to enter His domain. And besides, we are not like those eccentric cat ladies that the Department of Public Health is always busting down the door over and finding deplorable conditions and cats in the freezer.

Anyway, back to my story.

We know that you are a wizard with finding homes for humans, so why not use some of your mojo, some of your real estate acumen to find housing for 150 kitties! Please, this is not a joke.

We welcome creative solutions to this kitty genocide! If you know of any abandoned, gently used buildings where the kitties could squat. You must! Ginger, you’re our only hope.

Desperate

Comment from Ginger
Time: May 3, 2008, 12:02 pm

Hi Minerva:
Don’t be desperate! Besides, aren’t you talking about that event in Pepperell? If so, I think they’re all set…

On another note, check out this guy: Nathan Winograd. He is my kitty hero!

Best,
Ginger

Comment from Giulietta
Time: May 21, 2008, 2:02 pm

What’s the best way to get someone to buy an antique house when it costs the same as a new house?

G.

Comment from Ginger
Time: May 22, 2008, 5:06 pm

Tell them they’re buying a piece of history, blah, blah, blah, or you could tell them rumor is a priceless cache of gold coins is buried under the foundation, waiting for them as soon as they sign on the dotted line.

Comment from annie banannie
Time: June 18, 2008, 10:45 am

Dear Ginger,
Lately my drumstick-wielding teenager Butte has been eyeing the garage, asking whether he can use it for practice with his band “Facebook Slap.” I’d consider it, only that’s where I keep my ceramic doll collection and my husband keeps his Betamax collection. Do you think it’s reasonable for us to buy a new house with an attached outhouse so that we can accommodate our son’s creative energies? Please advise!

Drummer’s Mom

Comment from Ginger
Time: June 23, 2008, 9:10 am

Dear Drummer’s Mom:
It sounds like it’s time for your darling son Butte to eave-lay the ouse-hay. That or use someone else’s garage for “Facebook Slap.” I mean, who knows what he could be into next after he grows out of the band thing — taxidermy, weaving (those looms are DEAFENING), freelance embalming, rare poisonous insect collecting, cloning extinct fauna, I mean, it’s all coming your way I’m afraid. Long story short, you don’t sell and buy, esp in this market, based on a teenager’s dreams of endless riffs, hammering bass and awesome solos.
Yours in the so been there department,
Ginger

Comment from Kay LeDeux
Time: February 10, 2009, 5:04 pm

Ginger,

So long — no hear. What, the market got you down or something?? Come on, we count on you! get out there and sell someone’s: “Ass in a Home!”

Pleeease come back and make us laugh.

Love,
Kay Le Deuax

Comment from Ginger
Time: February 11, 2009, 11:05 am

Dear Kay de La Deuce:
I am so pleased to hear someone out there cares about an old realtor like myself. To be honest I’ve been a bit out of sorts like everyone else I suppose, but this spring weather and our new prezzie has me jazzed up again. I even tried Zumba and loved shaking my tail feathers, however my pelvis did freeze up in one of the more suggestive latin-type poses and an ambulance was called. As soon as I am thawed out I plan to get out there and get this economy rockin’ and rollin’ again!
Sent via Harvest’s Blackberry from the Emergency Room,
Ginger